Research at Zlatko University: the MD/PhD Program

So, you say you’re interested in doing research, just like all the 50,000+ other premeds who are desperately trying to get into medical school this year? Boy, have you ever come to the right place! The New Barry Zlatko School of Medicine has a strong, unyielding, and absolute dedication to advancing the frontiers of medical science. Those of you who would like careers as Physician Scientists can apply for our MD/PhD program, which is fully funded (by you, not us!), and will allow you to finish both degrees in a mere six (or eight, or eighteen) years. Here’s how getting an MD/PhD at Zlatko University works:

1) You apply through the regular New Barry Zlatko School of Medicine application webpage.

2) You complete your first two years of medical school as usual.

3) You start your PhD in a secret lab at an undisclosed location. You work for an eminent PI in your field, who will determine when and whether you are ready to graduate.

4) After you finish your PhD, you return to medical school to complete the clinical years.

Some students may wonder what happens if you should decide to drop out of our MD/PhD program and merely complete your MD. I am happy to report that this never, ever has happened in the history of our school. We do not anticipate it happening with you either, due to our eminently fair, no-exceptions policy: if you start your PhD and do not complete it, we give you to the ninjas as a practice dummy, and we wipe your name off of our record books. This policy accomplishes several important goals: it lets our students know how serious we are about them finishing their PhDs; it keeps our MD/PhD completion rate at 100%; and it also gives the ninjas something to look forward to in the event that you fail to complete your PhD. Just so you know, failure is not an option at The New Barry Zlatko School of Medicine–if you start something with us, you darn well better finish it.