Behavorial Sciences at ZSOM

By the Venerable Baron Von Schizo, from the county of Phrenia
Chairman

Hello, hello, students. I am SO pleased to welcome you to the ZSOM Department of Behavioral Sciences. I am Baron Von Schizo, but you can call me Millard. I come to ZSOM with an unusual background. You see, I’m not actually a psychiatrist, but I do know a lot about the mental health system, due to my constant involvement in it.

In my courses I will teach you to have empathy with patients, to understand the twisted inner workings of my - I mean THEIR minds. You see, I’ve been in hiding for many years now, owing all to a massive government conspiracy to silence me after I was abducted and impregnated by aliens in 1986. My wonderful cat-son Roswell was born shortly after my return from Area 51. I love that cat, but I wish he’d stop telling me to write on myself with Sharpie markers. I’ve got a coat of many colors drawn all over my body at this point.

BUT I DIGRESS!

I suppose my teaching methods could be considered unorthodox. You see, I believe that to truly understand mental illness, you need to experience it. So my initial classes will focus on the use of psychoactive medications like LSD and PCP that will allow you to actually FEEL as though you are having a psychotic episode. I find that students uniquely understand the challenges faced by the psychotic patient after such an experience. And yes, I do know that these medications are…ahem…technically “illegal.” Never fear dear pupils! I’ve only had about 10 students arrested over the years and I know at least ONE of them got off on a technicality. You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Open your minds and I’ll show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes! Take you wonder by wonder! Over sideway and under on a magic carpet ride. A whole neeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww woooooorld…

AGAIN, I DIGRESS!

Before class starts, please watch the following instructional video. I believe that this is one of the seminal events in the treatment of mental illness. There will be a pop quiz on the first day of class (SHHHHHHH don’t tell - the ninjas are listening!).

Love,
Baron