Department of Surgery

Welcome to ZSOM and the Department of Surgery. As Chair of the Surgery Department, I have fashioned a curriculum that surpasses that even of my alma mater, Harvard. In keeping with the minimalist approach to medical education here at ZSOM, our department has joined the trendy new “integrated” medical school and residency curricula seen at many of the lesser medical schools in the United States. ZSOM is the leader in Surgical Education in the United States and I’m very proud to be a part of it.

As a surgical clerk and resident at ZSOM, you will learn such valuable information as:

- how to assess the patient from the door (”LGFD”)
- picking your surgical cap: bouffant vs tie-on
- the art of screaming at nurses, medicine residents, anesthesiologists, radiology techs and other lower life forms
- advanced techniques in inappropriate bedside behavior, turfing, choosing patients by their income level and how to kick whiny losers to the curb when their insurance runs out
- working your guns so you can rock the sleeveless scrub tops

We have the most modern equipment in our fully functional OR. Infections are a thing of the past as bacteria are stifled by the icy glare of our surgeons.

At Zlatko School of Medicine, we realize that your major goal is to become a good surgeon. Therefore, we actually require you to focus on your surgical skills and to learn how to transfer care of your patient’s medical needs to the Department of Internal Medicine. Hey, those guys love to titrate anti-hypertensives and have plenty of time to listen to patients whine about their pain. YOU don’t. You have to learn to be the baddest MOFO in the hospital and don’t have time to deal with mediciney issues.

Medical students interested in surgery are automatically released from their Psychiatry, Family Medicine and Pediatric rotations as these are seen as inhibitors of becoming a good surgeon. Believe me, you don’t want to do those rotations anyway. Clinical rotations are the least concern to a medical student anyway.

There is also no required research component. Other schools will tell you that published research and spending time in a lab are key components to a career in academic surgery. We here at ZSOM realize that these projects are really the bastion of mice haters and nerds and that you don’t need some phony research to be a good surgeon. But if interested, we have lots of phony research projects that you can contribute to. All who do are awarded a PhD upon submission of a personal statement detailing why you want to have a dual degree.

For the specially qualified, we offer a combined General Surgery/CT Surgery/Vascular Surgery/Plastic Surgery residency which you can complete in just 16 months. It does not lead to Board Certification in any of these fields, but as everyone knows, Board Certification is just an examination dreamt up by the board to make them more money. Good doctors don’t have to be board certified.

We welcome all inquiries into our medical student rotations and integrated residency. Just don’t ask us where the ORs are. Remember, as I always say: the first part of the physical exam is to tell the patient how incredibly hot and sexy she is.