Category — Academics

Welcome to ZSOM and the Department of Surgery. As Chair of the Surgery Department, I have fashioned a curriculum that surpasses that even of my alma mater, Harvard. In keeping with the minimalist approach to medical education here at ZSOM, our department has joined the trendy new “integrated” medical school and residency curricula seen at many of the lesser medical schools in the United States. ZSOM is the leader in Surgical Education in the United States and I’m very proud to be a part of it.

As a surgical clerk and resident at ZSOM, you will learn such valuable information as:

- how to assess the patient from the door (”LGFD”)
- picking your surgical cap: bouffant vs tie-on
- the art of screaming at nurses, medicine residents, anesthesiologists, radiology techs and other lower life forms
- advanced techniques in inappropriate bedside behavior, turfing, choosing patients by their income level and how to kick whiny losers to the curb when their insurance runs out
- working your guns so you can rock the sleeveless scrub tops

We have the most modern equipment in our fully functional OR. Infections are a thing of the past as bacteria are stifled by the icy glare of our surgeons.

At Zlatko School of Medicine, we realize that your major goal is to become a good surgeon. Therefore, we actually require you to focus on your surgical skills and to learn how to transfer care of your patient’s medical needs to the Department of Internal Medicine. Hey, those guys love to titrate anti-hypertensives and have plenty of time to listen to patients whine about their pain. YOU don’t. You have to learn to be the baddest MOFO in the hospital and don’t have time to deal with mediciney issues.

Medical students interested in surgery are automatically released from their Psychiatry, Family Medicine and Pediatric rotations as these are seen as inhibitors of becoming a good surgeon. Believe me, you don’t want to do those rotations anyway. Clinical rotations are the least concern to a medical student anyway.

There is also no required research component. Other schools will tell you that published research and spending time in a lab are key components to a career in academic surgery. We here at ZSOM realize that these projects are really the bastion of mice haters and nerds and that you don’t need some phony research to be a good surgeon. But if interested, we have lots of phony research projects that you can contribute to. All who do are awarded a PhD upon submission of a personal statement detailing why you want to have a dual degree.

For the specially qualified, we offer a combined General Surgery/CT Surgery/Vascular Surgery/Plastic Surgery residency which you can complete in just 16 months. It does not lead to Board Certification in any of these fields, but as everyone knows, Board Certification is just an examination dreamt up by the board to make them more money. Good doctors don’t have to be board certified.

We welcome all inquiries into our medical student rotations and integrated residency. Just don’t ask us where the ORs are. Remember, as I always say: the first part of the physical exam is to tell the patient how incredibly hot and sexy she is.

This is Heywood U. Cuddleme, DVM, Chief of Internal Medicine and Pediatrics (ChIMP) at Zlatko University. At Zlatko University School of Medicine, we are front-runners in preventative medicine. You can’t find a temperature if you don’t look for one, you can’t find cancer if you don’t test for it. With this philosophy, we are helping our students save countless lives by preventing the diagnosis of horrific and deadly diseases. If patients have had the misfortune of having been diagnosed at other centers before coming to Zlatko, the Department of Internal Medicine ensures that our residents and students can handle any inpatient medical emergency or acute medical condition. From supervising the placement of feeding tubes at 3am to writing orders for Tylenol, our training in medicine gives you the confidence to observe anything. Our department prides itself on being the “go to” service when other services such as surgery are at a loss. You can’t cut out a diabetic emergency or bovie an anemia, our medicine residents understand this. Our training in Internal Medicine is some of the finest in the county.

At Zlatko University School of Medicine, we also appreciate the needs of the aging population. However, we do not wish to burden our students and residents with unnecessary knowledge that might extend the length of their education. The elderly are truly just aged adults, we teach our students to approach them in such a way.

Research plays a critical role in our treatment of patients. Should a patient be admitted, we prefer to enroll them in one of our generic medication approval drug studies. Many patients do not read what they sign and it is quite simple to add another medication to the list of what they will be receiving. This funding will help us build our new clinical building’s physician’s lounge.

Thanks, and on behalf of the Department of Internal Medicine, welcome to the Zlatko School of Medicine!

So, you say you’re interested in doing research, just like all the 50,000+ other premeds who are desperately trying to get into medical school this year? Boy, have you ever come to the right place! The New Barry Zlatko School of Medicine has a strong, unyielding, and absolute dedication to advancing the frontiers of medical science. Those of you who would like careers as Physician Scientists can apply for our MD/PhD program, which is fully funded (by you, not us!), and will allow you to finish both degrees in a mere six (or eight, or eighteen) years. Here’s how getting an MD/PhD at Zlatko University works:

1) You apply through the regular New Barry Zlatko School of Medicine application webpage.

2) You complete your first two years of medical school as usual.

3) You start your PhD in a secret lab at an undisclosed location. You work for an eminent PI in your field, who will determine when and whether you are ready to graduate.

4) After you finish your PhD, you return to medical school to complete the clinical years.

Some students may wonder what happens if you should decide to drop out of our MD/PhD program and merely complete your MD. I am happy to report that this never, ever has happened in the history of our school. We do not anticipate it happening with you either, due to our eminently fair, no-exceptions policy: if you start your PhD and do not complete it, we give you to the ninjas as a practice dummy, and we wipe your name off of our record books. This policy accomplishes several important goals: it lets our students know how serious we are about them finishing their PhDs; it keeps our MD/PhD completion rate at 100%; and it also gives the ninjas something to look forward to in the event that you fail to complete your PhD. Just so you know, failure is not an option at The New Barry Zlatko School of Medicine–if you start something with us, you darn well better finish it.

Hi, gosh it’s great to have all of you so interested in our school. My name is Dr. Kiddiecrud and I know you all like kids, because they’re so cute and don’t ask much about your credentials. Here at Zlatko SOM we are very kid-friendly. You can bring your kids to classes where we have Ninja’s available to train them. We don’t actually have any pediatric training here, because, after all, kids are just little adults so who needs to actually work on them? Besides, they can’t be trusted with our secrets. But, we do have teddy bears for you to practice on. Most of our students learn very quickly how to start an IV on a teddy bear! This is part of our commitment to sophisticated, humane educational practices using realistic simulation models. Can’t wait to see you once I get over the 103 degree fever, runny nose and diarrhea I keep getting at our new pediatric clinic!