Welcome to ZSOM and the Department of Surgery. As Chair of the Surgery Department, I have fashioned a curriculum that surpasses that even of my alma mater, Harvard. In keeping with the minimalist approach to medical education here at ZSOM, our department has joined the trendy new “integrated” medical school and residency curricula seen at many of the lesser medical schools in the United States. ZSOM is the leader in Surgical Education in the United States and I’m very proud to be a part of it.

As a surgical clerk and resident at ZSOM, you will learn such valuable information as:

- how to assess the patient from the door (”LGFD”)
- picking your surgical cap: bouffant vs tie-on
- the art of screaming at nurses, medicine residents, anesthesiologists, radiology techs and other lower life forms
- advanced techniques in inappropriate bedside behavior, turfing, choosing patients by their income level and how to kick whiny losers to the curb when their insurance runs out
- working your guns so you can rock the sleeveless scrub tops

We have the most modern equipment in our fully functional OR. Infections are a thing of the past as bacteria are stifled by the icy glare of our surgeons.

At Zlatko School of Medicine, we realize that your major goal is to become a good surgeon. Therefore, we actually require you to focus on your surgical skills and to learn how to transfer care of your patient’s medical needs to the Department of Internal Medicine. Hey, those guys love to titrate anti-hypertensives and have plenty of time to listen to patients whine about their pain. YOU don’t. You have to learn to be the baddest MOFO in the hospital and don’t have time to deal with mediciney issues.

Medical students interested in surgery are automatically released from their Psychiatry, Family Medicine and Pediatric rotations as these are seen as inhibitors of becoming a good surgeon. Believe me, you don’t want to do those rotations anyway. Clinical rotations are the least concern to a medical student anyway.

There is also no required research component. Other schools will tell you that published research and spending time in a lab are key components to a career in academic surgery. We here at ZSOM realize that these projects are really the bastion of mice haters and nerds and that you don’t need some phony research to be a good surgeon. But if interested, we have lots of phony research projects that you can contribute to. All who do are awarded a PhD upon submission of a personal statement detailing why you want to have a dual degree.

For the specially qualified, we offer a combined General Surgery/CT Surgery/Vascular Surgery/Plastic Surgery residency which you can complete in just 16 months. It does not lead to Board Certification in any of these fields, but as everyone knows, Board Certification is just an examination dreamt up by the board to make them more money. Good doctors don’t have to be board certified.

We welcome all inquiries into our medical student rotations and integrated residency. Just don’t ask us where the ORs are. Remember, as I always say: the first part of the physical exam is to tell the patient how incredibly hot and sexy she is.

Hi-

Thanks for applying to ZSOM, you’ve taken the first step in the rest of your career! You must be very excited.

To finish your application, please complete the form below, answering the following topic in 100 words or less:

How do you anticipate your career developing so that you can continue to financially support ZSOM as an alumnus? Or if that topic doesn’t interest you, come up with your own!

Please note, our ninjas offer bonus points for haiku submissions.

Geter Dun,
Assistant Applications Officer

We are the ninjas and we can kick your ass.

Even this wuss is afraid of us.

Breaking curfew is NOT recommended.

We have ways of dealing with rule breakers.

Welcome to Campus!

Hello, hello, students. I am SO pleased to welcome you to the ZSOM Department of Behavioral Sciences. I am Baron Von Schizo, but you can call me Millard. I come to ZSOM with an unusual background. You see, I’m not actually a psychiatrist, but I do know a lot about the mental health system, due to my constant involvement in it.

In my courses I will teach you to have empathy with patients, to understand the twisted inner workings of my - I mean THEIR minds. You see, I’ve been in hiding for many years now, owing all to a massive government conspiracy to silence me after I was abducted and impregnated by aliens in 1986. My wonderful cat-son Roswell was born shortly after my return from Area 51. I love that cat, but I wish he’d stop telling me to write on myself with Sharpie markers. I’ve got a coat of many colors drawn all over my body at this point.

BUT I DIGRESS!

I suppose my teaching methods could be considered unorthodox. You see, I believe that to truly understand mental illness, you need to experience it. So my initial classes will focus on the use of psychoactive medications like LSD and PCP that will allow you to actually FEEL as though you are having a psychotic episode. I find that students uniquely understand the challenges faced by the psychotic patient after such an experience. And yes, I do know that these medications are…ahem…technically “illegal.” Never fear dear pupils! I’ve only had about 10 students arrested over the years and I know at least ONE of them got off on a technicality. You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Open your minds and I’ll show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes! Take you wonder by wonder! Over sideway and under on a magic carpet ride. A whole neeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww woooooorld…

AGAIN, I DIGRESS!

Before class starts, please watch the following instructional video. I believe that this is one of the seminal events in the treatment of mental illness. There will be a pop quiz on the first day of class (SHHHHHHH don’t tell - the ninjas are listening!).

Love,
Baron

Hugs and Kisses,

Dr. Seneca

At Zlatko University School of Medicine, we also appreciate the needs of the aging population. However, we do not wish to burden our students and residents with unnecessary knowledge that might extend the length of their education. The elderly are truly just aged adults, we teach our students to approach them in such a way.

Research plays a critical role in our treatment of patients. Should a patient be admitted, we prefer to enroll them in one of our generic medication approval drug studies. Many patients do not read what they sign and it is quite simple to add another medication to the list of what they will be receiving. This funding will help us build our new clinical building’s physician’s lounge.

Thanks, and on behalf of the Department of Internal Medicine, welcome to the Zlatko School of Medicine!

1) You apply through the regular New Barry Zlatko School of Medicine application webpage.

2) You complete your first two years of medical school as usual.

3) You start your PhD in a secret lab at an undisclosed location. You work for an eminent PI in your field, who will determine when and whether you are ready to graduate.

4) After you finish your PhD, you return to medical school to complete the clinical years.

Some students may wonder what happens if you should decide to drop out of our MD/PhD program and merely complete your MD. I am happy to report that this never, ever has happened in the history of our school. We do not anticipate it happening with you either, due to our eminently fair, no-exceptions policy: if you start your PhD and do not complete it, we give you to the ninjas as a practice dummy, and we wipe your name off of our record books. This policy accomplishes several important goals: it lets our students know how serious we are about them finishing their PhDs; it keeps our MD/PhD completion rate at 100%; and it also gives the ninjas something to look forward to in the event that you fail to complete your PhD. Just so you know, failure is not an option at The New Barry Zlatko School of Medicine–if you start something with us, you darn well better finish it.

I was called to begin an elective c-section on one of my patients. It was a little stressful at first (i’m still a little shaky that early in the day) but then I remembered Paul Leibowitz, MS-1 was rotating with me. I asked him if he’d like to scrub in and assist.

Boy, I sure was impressed. He showed us what makes a ZSOM student a cut above the rest. I’ve worked with students from all sorts of American medical schools, but most of those polly prissy pants get caught-up worrying about minutia like sterile procedure and end up missing the forest from the stumps.

Well let me tell you, Paul was bursting with energy to show me what he knew. It was great, he was so excited, he ran into the operating theatre and without gowing-up or letting the anesthesiologist finish sedating the patient, he cut across the abdomen, pulled out the uterus and then “pop” out comes the baby. It was great!

Boy, we were all smiles after the delivery. I’ll post a picture later.

Anyhow, I digress…back to the good news!

ZSOM has applied for acreditation from an organization (which I cannot disclose due to secrecy requirements). However, they have allowed me to reveal that they have provided ZSOM with provisional accredidation! Congratulations Zlatko SOM!

Only at our advanced institution can you find such innovative freedom and forethinking.