Welcome to ZSOM and the Department of Surgery. As Chair of the Surgery Department, I have fashioned a curriculum that surpasses that even of my alma mater, Harvard. In keeping with the minimalist approach to medical education here at ZSOM, our department has joined the trendy new “integrated” medical school and residency curricula seen at many of the lesser medical schools in the United States. ZSOM is the leader in Surgical Education in the United States and I’m very proud to be a part of it.

As a surgical clerk and resident at ZSOM, you will learn such valuable information as:

- how to assess the patient from the door (”LGFD”)
- picking your surgical cap: bouffant vs tie-on
- the art of screaming at nurses, medicine residents, anesthesiologists, radiology techs and other lower life forms
- advanced techniques in inappropriate bedside behavior, turfing, choosing patients by their income level and how to kick whiny losers to the curb when their insurance runs out
- working your guns so you can rock the sleeveless scrub tops

We have the most modern equipment in our fully functional OR. Infections are a thing of the past as bacteria are stifled by the icy glare of our surgeons.

At Zlatko School of Medicine, we realize that your major goal is to become a good surgeon. Therefore, we actually require you to focus on your surgical skills and to learn how to transfer care of your patient’s medical needs to the Department of Internal Medicine. Hey, those guys love to titrate anti-hypertensives and have plenty of time to listen to patients whine about their pain. YOU don’t. You have to learn to be the baddest MOFO in the hospital and don’t have time to deal with mediciney issues.

Medical students interested in surgery are automatically released from their Psychiatry, Family Medicine and Pediatric rotations as these are seen as inhibitors of becoming a good surgeon. Believe me, you don’t want to do those rotations anyway. Clinical rotations are the least concern to a medical student anyway.

There is also no required research component. Other schools will tell you that published research and spending time in a lab are key components to a career in academic surgery. We here at ZSOM realize that these projects are really the bastion of mice haters and nerds and that you don’t need some phony research to be a good surgeon. But if interested, we have lots of phony research projects that you can contribute to. All who do are awarded a PhD upon submission of a personal statement detailing why you want to have a dual degree.

For the specially qualified, we offer a combined General Surgery/CT Surgery/Vascular Surgery/Plastic Surgery residency which you can complete in just 16 months. It does not lead to Board Certification in any of these fields, but as everyone knows, Board Certification is just an examination dreamt up by the board to make them more money. Good doctors don’t have to be board certified.

We welcome all inquiries into our medical student rotations and integrated residency. Just don’t ask us where the ORs are. Remember, as I always say: the first part of the physical exam is to tell the patient how incredibly hot and sexy she is.

Hi-

Thanks for applying to ZSOM, you’ve taken the first step in the rest of your career! You must be very excited.

To finish your application, please complete the form below, answering the following topic in 100 words or less:

How do you anticipate your career developing so that you can continue to financially support ZSOM as an alumnus? Or if that topic doesn’t interest you, come up with your own!

Please note, our ninjas offer bonus points for haiku submissions.

Geter Dun,
Assistant Applications Officer

We are the ninjas and we can kick your ass.

Even this wuss is afraid of us.

Breaking curfew is NOT recommended.

We have ways of dealing with rule breakers.

Welcome to Campus!

Hello, hello, students. I am SO pleased to welcome you to the ZSOM Department of Behavioral Sciences. I am Baron Von Schizo, but you can call me Millard. I come to ZSOM with an unusual background. You see, I’m not actually a psychiatrist, but I do know a lot about the mental health system, due to my constant involvement in it.

In my courses I will teach you to have empathy with patients, to understand the twisted inner workings of my – I mean THEIR minds. You see, I’ve been in hiding for many years now, owing all to a massive government conspiracy to silence me after I was abducted and impregnated by aliens in 1986. My wonderful cat-son Roswell was born shortly after my return from Area 51. I love that cat, but I wish he’d stop telling me to write on myself with Sharpie markers. I’ve got a coat of many colors drawn all over my body at this point.

BUT I DIGRESS!

I suppose my teaching methods could be considered unorthodox. You see, I believe that to truly understand mental illness, you need to experience it. So my initial classes will focus on the use of psychoactive medications like LSD and PCP that will allow you to actually FEEL as though you are having a psychotic episode. I find that students uniquely understand the challenges faced by the psychotic patient after such an experience. And yes, I do know that these medications are…ahem…technically “illegal.” Never fear dear pupils! I’ve only had about 10 students arrested over the years and I know at least ONE of them got off on a technicality. You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Open your minds and I’ll show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes! Take you wonder by wonder! Over sideway and under on a magic carpet ride. A whole neeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww woooooorld…

AGAIN, I DIGRESS!

Before class starts, please watch the following instructional video. I believe that this is one of the seminal events in the treatment of mental illness. There will be a pop quiz on the first day of class (SHHHHHHH don’t tell – the ninjas are listening!).

Love,
Baron

Hugs and Kisses,

Dr. Seneca

Chairperson, Dr. Astrid Seneca, PharmD, DC, VD, LPN, Order of the Phoenix, Former NFL Cheerleader

Here, you will be educated about the principles or and importance of effective use of drug therapies. The ZSOM Department of Pharmacology’s curricular approach is primarily “self-instructional” mastery. Through self-study and extensive self-medication, motivated students should be able to complete the core pharmacology sequence in a little over three weeks. Less than 10% of our students experience renal or hepatic failure as a result of their participation in required class activities. Incidence of nausea, vomiting and transient rash was slightly higher. Reversible ototoxicity (tinnitus) may occur. If you are pregnant or nursing a baby, ask your doctor or pharmacist before starting this course.

Check out our curriculum!!! Free Samples below!!!

Required Coursework

First Week’s Lesson: Pain Pills

Cocks-2 Inhibitors:

Vicodin (Hydrockadoan):

Mofeen:

Week Two: Sugar Pills & Water Pills

Week Three: Mood Pills

Other Self Study Topics:

Departmental Electives:

Pharm0411: Pharmaceutical Reps: Hot or Not?
Pharm0411 (Lab): Pharmaceutical Industry Relations – Show me the Swag
Pharm0420: Social Drug Use Habits of Professional Students (credit by examination option available)
Pharm1086: Treatment of Alcohol Intoxication (Off campus work required. Must be 21 or older.)
Pharm1069: Club Drugs (Field experience required)

Pharm1069 students enjoying their practical examination.

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Become a Fan of ZSOM!
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At Zlatko University School of Medicine, we also appreciate the needs of the aging population. However, we do not wish to burden our students and residents with unnecessary knowledge that might extend the length of their education. The elderly are truly just aged adults, we teach our students to approach them in such a way.

Research plays a critical role in our treatment of patients. Should a patient be admitted, we prefer to enroll them in one of our generic medication approval drug studies. Many patients do not read what they sign and it is quite simple to add another medication to the list of what they will be receiving. This funding will help us build our new clinical building’s physician’s lounge.

Thanks, and on behalf of the Department of Internal Medicine, welcome to the Zlatko School of Medicine!

The natural landscape setting across the street from the site of Zlatko University gives you a feeling of freedom and leisurely trends when walking out to the sport pier over looking the ocean, or, you may prefer to sit in the breezy open space of the gazebo, at the vista point.

Kick off your shoes and take a walk on the clean and refreshing sandy beach past the volley ball courts, or just take a book and sit a while, as you watch the ocean surf.

Want to picnic lunch at the beach? Here’s the best spot!

Surgical Theatre

A brief video tour of the ZSOM Surgical Theatre. Often it doubles as an anatomy lab/morgue.

Classes

Classes at Zlatko University feature lots of individual attention in small study groups.

First semester

Second Semester